The service today was beautiful ❤️ When Cal's casket came down the chapel, I had to catch my breath. It felt so 'Cal', with the wicker, the rainbow and the sunflowers. Every reading, speech and hymn left a deep impression, and you could feel the love blooming in the air and filling the chapel with each one. Thank you for letting us mourn with you. Cal - their wonderful wit, silliness, kindness and intellect - will never be forgotten. As Eleanor said in the service, we will carry a piece of them with us forever ❤️ Sending you all immense love, today and forever xxxx

For Cal. "The earth is too small a planet, and we too brief a visitor upon it for anything to matter more than love." Jack Kornfield

For some reason, it felt important to share this memory of Cal that has stayed with me. I met Cal when we were both volunteering for a conference. It must have not been long after they got married; I remember their glow as they spoke of Immi and of their wedding in the St John’s chapel. A part of our jobs as conference volunteers was to man the reception desks at Exam Schools which, after the first day, went largely ignored. To stop mind-numbing boredom from setting in, we chatted about whatever happened to come to mind. Occasionally we became self-conscious that a loitering attendee might overhear us, but the concern was always quickly forgotten. It was in this way that I got to know Cal, albeit only for a few days. What stuck with me most from our conversations was an offer that Cal made which caught me completely off-guard. Upon learning of my family situation, they suggested that I should meet their mum, because “she loves taking people in — her best friend from university had a similar experience”. Their suggestion was so genuine, and their willingness to extend compassion so immediate and without hesitation, that I didn’t really know how to react. Probably due to a combination of that and some latent anxiety about appearing overeager I never took them up on it, but it was an act of kindness that I found myself thinking about time and again. I did not have the privilege of getting to know Cal better, but in the brief time that our lives crossed, Cal left a bit of their generous, kind self in mine – and evidently, the same has been true for countless others. To Cal’s family – I cannot think of anything adequate to say except that I’m sorry. They spoke of you with such fondness and it was clear that kindness ran in the family. I can only hope that it may bring you some comfort, knowing the ways in which they live on through so many others’ lives.

I knew Cal at City as a bold, friendly and committed member of Pride Soc, a role model who gave me courage to embrace my own non-binary identity. During my Oxford application process they kindly hosted me at St John’s and gave me crucial insights into trans life at Oxford. Throughout my undergrad years we would meet at alumnae events and exchange friendly messages and Christmas cards. Most recently it was lovely to reconnect with them and Immi at the CLSG Pride Soc reunion. I had looked forward to seeing them again and was so pleased at how well they seemed to be doing. I wish I could have done something to help. Like everyone whose life they touched, I will carry Cap’s memory with me for the rest of my life, and cherish all the kindness they showed me and all I learned from them.

Meeting and knowing Cal was a highlight of my time at Oxford Nightline. They brought both endless compassion and much needed humour to their roles there, and could always lift spirits after a difficult shift. More personally, Cal was a great friend and I will cherish our shared memories always.

My first ever tutorial in Oxford, during a brief stint as a college lecturer in 2017, was given to Cal. I still remember it vividly - four of us crammed into a small room upstairs in Kendrew, me scribbling illegible drawings of receptive fields on the flipchart, and feeling as much imposter syndrome and nerves as the students probably did. Fortunately, Cal turned out to be the sparky student whom I could turn to in these tutorials. They not gave clear explanations and answers to my questions about their perception lectures; they were also quite willing to pull out their problem sheet in linguistics, and talk us all through that when I ran out of teaching material with fifteen minutes left on the clock. I probably learnt more about linguistics in that first tutorial than Cal learnt about perception. My interactions with Cal during that first year convinced me that teaching Oxford students could be exciting, fun, and worth doing a lot more of. I was delighted when, a few years later, I heard that Cal had not only chosen to specialise in neuroscience (turning their back on linguistics…) but also to pursue the 4-year MSc and doctoral programme in Oxford, where I’d received my training in neuroscience many years previously, and was now one of the examiners. This meant that the next time I saw Cal was for their MSc Neuroscience viva, in the socially distanced setting of the Sherrington Library. Cal vigorously defended the logic behind their combined neurophysiology and calcium imaging project to look at replay signatures between the hippocampus and visual cortex. It all sounded incredibly ambitious - perhaps a little too ambitious for one MSc project - but clearly they’d had a fantastic experience on the project, and it was no surprise that they ended up staying in the same lab for their doctorate. I returned to St John’s as a tutorial fellow the following year, in 2022. It was Cal who strode into my new office laughing about how much of an improvement it was on the poky room we’d previously used in Kendrew. The reason for us meeting was that Kate and I had wanted to restart the college Psychology society, and we both knew that Cal would be the person with the energy and wherewithal to get it going again. They volunteered willingly - then they helped again as a volunteer at a conference I organised the subsequent year, and then again earlier this year they offered their support to cover my tutorials while I was away on paternity leave. Their willingness to volunteer and support others always shone through. I remember Cal for their wit, wisdom, and winning smile, and I was completely unaware of the battles they were facing elsewhere in their life. Thank you, Cal, for bringing so much joy into my first few years at Oxford as a tutor.

Cal was a long-term volunteer with the Nightline movement. They first volunteered at Oxford Nightline as a student, before moving on to join the Nightline Association in 2020. Cal showed a huge commitment to their volunteering, and always wanted to ensure that we were doing the best we could for our Nightlines, and giving them the support that they needed. Their death is a tragic reminder of the importance of the work that Nightlines do. Cal’s role in the Association was leading the team that developed our quality standards and accredited Nightline services against them. While Cal may be gone, they continue to live on through the many lives they have touched both directly and indirectly. Every caller to every Nightline will continue to feel this impact for years to come. Cal’s legacy in Nightline is the high-quality service received by those countless callers who will never even know Cal’s name. Our thoughts are with Cal’s loved ones at this difficult time.

Perhaps we can we can transform our shock, anger and pain into reassurance that just as the stars shine in the sky and the planets revolve around the sun, there is a perfect timing and a rhythm to all things , and one day it will all be revealed to us - from: how to heal a grieving heart by Doreen V and James V. P.

Part of a thank you speech I said for Cal at the first Oxford Nightline social after the Covid lockdown: "You've got such an awesome personality and you bring everyone together with the best philosophical debates. You work incredibly hard and always do what you believe is right. And ever since I met you when you floated for me as a trainee, I think that you're just the coolest person ever and it's been an absolute dream volunteering with you."

I had the incredible privilege of working with Cal at Oxford Nightline. I'll never forget how they brought such deep compassion to everything they did - from training new volunteers to simply being there for anyone who needed support. Working alongside them, I was always in awe of their endless willingness to do more, to reach just one more person who might be struggling. Cal made our whole community more caring, more understanding. They were a guiding light in our organisation, and their spirit touched so many lives. I'll always be inspired by them, and will cherish every moment I had with them.

Song Life is ours in vain Lacking love, which never Counts the loss or gain. But remember, ever Love is linked with pain. Light and sister shade Shape each mortal morrow Seek not to evade Love's companion, Sorrow, and be not dismayed. Grief is not in vain, It's for our completeness. If the fates ordain Love to bring life's sweetness Welcome too its pain. -- Oodgeroo of the Noonuccal (Kath Walker)

I am writing on behalf of Oxford Samaritans, where Cal volunteered, listening through the night, with patience and compassion, and always without judgement. Our hearts go out to all who knew and loved Cal and we share in the profound sense of loss felt by everyone whose life was touched by their kindness and dedication.

Thank you for setting up this memorial to Cal. We hope that you find it a positive experience developing the site and that it becomes a place of comfort and inspiration for you to visit whenever you want or need to.

I am I and you are you, whatever we were to each other that we still are. Speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? Life means all that it ever meant, it is the same as it ever was.